God, Are You Listening?

 

Abba

Abba

Another day has dawned. Tribulation has awakened me from our nocturnal tryst. Sadness clangs its cymbals urging me to rise – it reverberates hopelessness throughout the day. My heart is ripped open, laid bared for what feels like a final viewing. The constant trickle of tears erodes my faith. Pain has seared me. My body roams the earth to and fro searching for what it knows not. I feel alone. Even my mind detests me. Words have stopped my breath; I gasp for air. Loves hides and I seek, but it is elusive. I’m one of many yet I’ve never been so alone. What I know and what I feel clash – striving in different directions. My mind flutters about; I must hang on – one more hour, perhaps minutes. But, as the sun sets so my hope is dashed. Maybe tomorrow? If I can just …

Will I ever get through this? Will this grain of hope sustain me? Will these tears ever stop? Will the enemy of my thoughts relent? Will the ugliness of introspection sojourn in my bed forever? I can’t hear you; God, are you listening?

I have loved you from the beginning. I hold your hand while you sleep and stroke your hair. The tears you cry stain my cheeks as they moisten your pillow. I have never left your side. Your cries to me ring through the heavens – your prayers brought to me, one at a time, on the wings of angels. I whisper in your ear, “Don’t listen to those voices.” You can’t hear me because you listen to the voice of your enemy with great travail. Why do you hold on to the very thing I am trying to remove from your life. Don’t you know how much I love you? Let go. Please trust me. I can take that grain of hope and make a mountain of faith from it, but you must let go of what you’re holding on to. Have I not yet shown you that I am trustworthy? Have you not yet understood that there is nothing you could ever do to make me love you less? 

You think I’ve let you down – I don’t listen – I don’t hear your prayers. My precious child, if only you knew how I treasure your petitions and want to give you what you request – but I cannot. I am a loving and faithful father and I promised, from the day I knew you, that I would always do what is best for you. I have protected you from the unimaginable. I have saved you from unspeakable pain, pain that I did not even spare my Son from. The noise of this world is a lament for my love. The hole in your heart is a place that only I can fill. If only you would trust in me, I would give you the peace you need. I am more lonely for you in this very minute than you have ever been for anyone all the days of your life. Turn toward me. No one can love you like I do. Seek me with all your heart and I will give you the desires of yours. I’m listening; are you?

Hiding and Seeking

ImageI remember a time, I was not much more than a toddler, when my favourite uncle used to play hide and seek with me. He’d say, “You go hide; I’ll count to 10 and then I’ll look for you.” I remember having butterflies in my stomach while he counted. I couldn’t wait for him to find me. Sometimes (most of the time), I’d giggle loud enough for him to hear me just so I’d be found – I made it as easy for him as I could – so I thought. The truth is, I was always hiding in plain sight and when he would finally “find” me – he would hold me and tickle me and make me feel like I was his favourite little girl. I knew I was loved and so did he.

There have been times in my adult life when I have longed to be someone’s favourite. There have been times when I have felt so alone, rejected and abandoned that the pain was palpable. And, in all honesty, during many of those times I wondered where God was during my time of need. I needed Him and He was silent. Where was He?

There is a depth to God’s love that we will never fully know in this life.We only understand in part – there is more to Him than what we know or read of Him. Consider the profoundness of His great love for us and yet He gives us the choice of deciding for ourselves if we desire to draw near to Him. His love is steadfast, faithful and without condition. We cannot begin to fathom how He longs for us and yet He hides Himself from us and waits patiently for us to seek Him – to seek His face – to seek intimacy with Him and yet He doesn’t need us; we need Him. He is for us and never out of reach to those who seek with all their heart. The truth is though we seek Him, for our sake, He hides in plain sight.

“But from there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul.” Deuteronomy 4:29