You moved in closer, only enough to hear the sound of my voice and my cries. Listening and watching a small girl . . . you stalked me – raping my innocence after his wickedness had violated me. He shut me up. You moved in closer, serving me a deadly cocktail of shame, guilt and fear. I didn’t know any better and I drank.
He couldn’t leave me alone – his sin was your entry point – your pleasure. You observed intently, missing nothing. You listened to my pain, pain that left grooves in my mind. I stopped feeling. I hid everything from everyone. I was dead on the inside, buried alive in my own life. You treasured my pain because it birthed a diabolic plan that you would stick around, a very long time, to execute. You thought you had me – an eternal conquest.,
But you were wrong. I grew up like we all do. I made a choice that didn’t include you. You see, I’ve been rescued and redeemed from the pit you sentenced me to live in. He has other plans for me – plans that don’t include harm, plans that will prosper me. He’s everything I’ve ever needed or wanted. He is my fortress. He is faithful and strong. He is my refuge in a storm, and shade from the heat. He is my Rock and my Provider. He is my Comforter, my Hope, and my Advocate. He is my Redeemer, my Saviour and my Lord. He helps me and guides me. He is compassionate and very jealous, very powerful, ever present and all consuming. He is with me and in me and for me. So, there’s no room for you anymore.
I am serving you with an eviction notice; that’s right – no apologies. You’ll need to pack quickly. I will no longer be troubled or harassed by you. You’re no longer welcome here. You have no power or authority over me. You can’t steal anything from me anymore. You’re done. Finished. From now on, I’ll see you coming from afar. We’ll be ready for you. I have the power and authority to trample serpents and scorpions and you, sir, are a snake if I ever saw one. You can move into the pit; it’s already been decorated for you.
“But now the Lord my God has given me rest on every side, and there is no adversary or disaster.” 1 Kings 5:4
Another day has dawned. Tribulation has awakened me from our nocturnal tryst. Sadness clangs its cymbals urging me to rise – it reverberates hopelessness throughout the day. My heart is ripped open, laid bared for what feels like a final viewing. The constant trickle of tears erodes my faith. Pain has seared me. My body roams the earth to and fro searching for what it knows not. I feel alone. Even my mind detests me. Words have stopped my breath; I gasp for air. Loves hides and I seek, but it is elusive. I’m one of many yet I’ve never been so alone. What I know and what I feel clash – striving in different directions. My mind flutters about; I must hang on – one more hour, perhaps minutes. But, as the sun sets so my hope is dashed. Maybe tomorrow? If I can just …
Will I ever get through this? Will this grain of hope sustain me? Will these tears ever stop? Will the enemy of my thoughts relent? Will the ugliness of introspection sojourn in my bed forever? I can’t hear you; God, are you listening?
I have loved you from the beginning. I hold your hand while you sleep and stroke your hair. The tears you cry stain my cheeks as they moisten your pillow. I have never left your side. Your cries to me ring through the heavens – your prayers brought to me, one at a time, on the wings of angels. I whisper in your ear, “Don’t listen to those voices.” You can’t hear me because you listen to the voice of your enemy with great travail. Why do you hold on to the very thing I am trying to remove from your life. Don’t you know how much I love you? Let go. Please trust me. I can take that grain of hope and make a mountain of faith from it, but you must let go of what you’re holding on to. Have I not yet shown you that I am trustworthy? Have you not yet understood that there is nothing you could ever do to make me love you less?
You think I’ve let you down – I don’t listen – I don’t hear your prayers. My precious child, if only you knew how I treasure your petitions and want to give you what you request – but I cannot. I am a loving and faithful father and I promised, from the day I knew you, that I would always do what is best for you. I have protected you from the unimaginable. I have saved you from unspeakable pain, pain that I did not even spare my Son from. The noise of this world is a lament for my love. The hole in your heart is a place that only I can fill. If only you would trust in me, I would give you the peace you need. I am more lonely for you in this very minute than you have ever been for anyone all the days of your life. Turn toward me. No one can love you like I do. Seek me with all your heart and I will give you the desires of yours. I’m listening; are you?